“I had my first heartbreak in my mid-thirties and seem to have become jaded. I don’t feel like I want or need to be in another relationship or date for that matter, but my friends are concerned that it’s been too long (it will be 5 years in June).”
In No Rush
Your friends are good people who care about you, so read between the lines here, behind all the goading and chastising, there is a clear message. They want you to enjoy your life beyond the boundaries you have set around you.
I addressed you as No because I sense that as the main driver of what you are going through, an aversion to trying again and potentially getting hurt again. You have to give yourself permission to try.
While I think it’s very healthy to take the time you need to get back on the saddle, taking too much time can be damaging in the long run. You get complacent and the feelings of fear and inadequacy begin to settle in like comfortable roommates.
Unless you plan in living an honorable life dedicated to solitude and celibacy, hiding away in the comfort of your sofa and a glass of wine or two is not going to feed your emotional soul. You’re heartbreak happened and guess what? You survived. You may have worked on you in other ways during the last five years, but now it’s time for that part of you that craves emotional happiness through engagement to come out and enjoy itself. An exchange of the minds, a wanting touch, laughter and a feeling of needing to be with someone just because, are all things that help satisfy a soul if you allow them to.
So stop being so greedy and put yourself out there. Now let’s take some steps toward sharing yourself.
First, let’s be real, dating does not have to have an end goal of a serious relationship, that’s too much pressure for you right now. For now be open to having fun with another person who is not related to you and would actually want to do more than just watch the game on Friday nights.
Start small, go out with friends who are in relationships and observe. As weird as this may sound, you need to remember how a relationship can be good for you even when it’s not perfect.
Then just go out and see what happens in larger setting with friends and their friends you may not know. Also use this exploration as an opportunity to try new things in general and meet new people. If something happens to tickle your fancy and it feels right, go for it. It’s not going to be easy, but you already know that.
Check back with me in three months and hopefully instead of signing your note “In No Rush,” you can sign it with “Enjoying the Possibilities.”
Disclaimer: I am not a therapist, counselor, life coach, love expert, physic or talk show host. I am simply someone who you can come to for some perspective and honesty. I don’t only have advice on love, but anything from food, kids, pets, career, whatever. My thoughts are all in good spirit, fun and genuine caring. You take my thoughts and points of view at your own risk.
If you have a question send me an email and I’ll do my best.